On Purging and Moving Forward...

Sooooo…. it's been a good long while since I have written anything here. A great deal has happened in the last long while, and it's been very hard to write about my personal life. How does one lead a public and private life, staying true to one or the other, continuing a sort of mythology in order not to cause pain to fans, yet at the same time be thrown into the struggle of my life? Some of you know what I've had to go through in the last year. It's been, to say the least… challenging.

But I have come through and almost on the other side of some very dark times. Now I have a new life, new Love and feeling very hopeful towards the future!

With all of this, I am stronger now. I've learned to count on myself and to believe in myself. I've found the ability to ask for help when I need it (which is not easy for me), and to lean on those close pals around me who have helped me along the way. And the good side is these changes have fed my own personal artistic expression and have allowed me to grow by leaps and bounds at learning to record and mix my own music, as well as create the soundtrack to the live film for my shows. I feel as if I am walking in new worlds, entering new realms and all of it up to me.

Yet the truth is… It has been extremely costly to deal with a mountain of debt from the FatM tours - on top of upheaving my life, creating a new studio to work in and - in many ways, start completely over. I am now a completely self-run entity and will start my own record company to release my album in the U.S. But doing just a simple search for my music, I find website after website offering my music for free. Orders are very few and far between. It's been, at the very least, disheartening.

My fans say they can't wait to hear my next album. Many don't understand that it costs so much to do what I love to do, and create what they hopefully love to listen to.

This is why I am going to do the following: sell my paintings, more artwork, some personal creations, belongings and costumes -- and -- ask for donations.

I had a long talk with kaRIn and Statik of Collide, another completely independent musical entity and old friends of mine. They told me about their donation page, and the amount of support fans have given them. They also pointed out the following facts, which I know all too well, but may be good to reiterate here:

• If you buy something directly from a band's website, and you spend $10, they get the whole $10, minus only the processing fees from either the credit card company or paypal.

• If you purchase something from iTunes, the band gets about 67 cents for each dollar you spend.

• If you purchase a CD from someplace like Amazon, they get about 45 cents for each dollar you spend.

• If you download something from a torrent site, they (we - as musicians), of course, get $0.

For anyone who feels like they can help out a little (or for people who may have been getting my music for free), now is your chance to help me continue to make music. Your donation will help fund some of the costs of recording my new album, including mastering costs, production costs, some studio equipment I need as well as the dreaded pressing costs.

With any donation of $25 or more, you will also get your name in the credits of my new album as a special supporter.

PLEASE DONATE NOW.

Here are the pages with Items for Sale:

My Best Known Paintings, and Less Expensive Paintings

Unique, Hand-made and One-of-a-Kind items

Costumes and More

Hand-made Jewelry

I hope this will be fun for those fans who would love their name added to my next album, or get the chance to own a little piece of history from one of my costumes or art pieces.

Thank you for the support all these years!

XXOO!

Monica

New Blogs coming at last!

I've been out of the loop, but now back to work on writing my thoughts... Stay tuned! XXOO, M

Fozzie Bear...

I am writing this while my Fozzie Bear is still alive… though he is so weak and can hardly stand without falling, he still happily barks at visitors to come and greet him. The pain in his legs has gotten to the point that he cries quietly all day, so at least now he is comfortable these last few days - I made sure of that… The hardest part is that his mind is fine, it's his poor body that has finally worn out…

I met Fozzie when he was so tiny he actually looked like his Muppet namesake. (Namesake, is that right?) He had that short stubby puppy-bear nose and big wide eyes, all fluffy black and brown… He still had his fourth leg, but it was wrapped with "Please Adopt me" written on his bandage (by CC, my lil sis, who was a vet tech at the hospital - she was the one who told me about him). It was as thin as a stick and he used it like a little cane, though he was able to run around with it, tapping it every second on the floor. The story was he had been hit by a car and a junky was holding him - with the 4th leg dangling like meat - trying to sell him for drugs. Luckily the guy who gave him $20 brought him directly to my vet - and into loving, caring hands.

I hadn't had a dog since I was a kid, but as soon as I saw Fozzie, he was my baby boy. They removed his leg and he came home with a giant bandage that stretched all around him, and a big, wide smile. How can you resist a little puppy with three legs that's always smiling??? Fozzie didn't know he only had three legs - it didn't impact him until he was around 7 or so and the ACLs on both back legs had torn. Two operations later, he had metal parts put in his legs to help him walk again… We called him the Bionic Dog at that point.

Baby boy, never a complaint…

When I first wrote the short story "Spring - Untitled" - which later became the source for ANAFAE - I saw Fozzie as her guardian Fauz Fenris: a three-legged dog that grew a fourth leg of flora when Mother Nature stood by him… His personality burst from the pages. It is going to be hard to continue ANAFAE with him gone, but at the same time he will live on and on now…

Fozzie loved his big sister, Sugar, and especially loved his little sisters Daisy and Zendra. He raised my puppy, baby Nola, well. They all loved to chew on his neck while lying on their backs beneath his chin - Fozzie seemed vicious as he opened his wide jaws, only to gently touch their necks in play. He was always the most gentle and nurturing when new kittens were adopted - they would bat at his nose as he stared at them wide-eyed.

Fozzie went very peacefully, he had a wonderful, happy life - so hard to say goodbye... The doc found a large mass while examining him, so the time was right, to be sure...

An Interview!

I recently did an interview about The Book of Annwyn. Though I self-published it in 1998, it seems to have deep roots, fortunately! This was for the American Welsh Society (Americymru Association). Click Here!

The Muse Onward

I wish I might explain the enormity of Image,

Merely a magnification that reflects back

From the eyes of those who do not know me at all.

The fear of breaking from my little box.

Trapped in my own Illuminated corner.

Magic appears from behind the curtain

The Enchanted mirror:

Scenes from a lost childhood teach humanity to search out idols -

Its temperamental need to be reminded of a Perfect world -

Yet full of swift rejection should the Human turn its head

And bring forth its own heart

Not the one expected or more often demanded

But the gleam of a life lived onward

Full of turns and tides.

Like life, We ebb and flow.

Hell hath the fury of every little resented Reflection.

The pedestal smashed underfoot in moments.

Thus the rest of Persona must remain immersed in the water,

Drowned.

For the time at least.

Hope itself is enough to bring the Dead back to life.

I am the Muse:

But I must reflect that which radiates upon me.

It can not come from the void.

So the One I choose to shine on

Can only be the One that causes me to shine.

Now a beacon of light flares from my center

Like a homing signal high above the cities.

I radiate endlessly - electricity pours from my fingertips.

I cannot stay calm or silent but will -

Not for my own choice but that of thousands who must learn

Slowly -

That even the realm of Dream -

And the humans that live under such a weight -

May change and breathe new life.

My mythology changed forever.

My Tale is that of beginnings.

This is Truth.

Crows

Documentary: A Murder of Crows

I have written on these magical beings often... They are very prominent in Celtic Mythology, as Bran (Welsh for Crow) and Branwen - White or Shining Crow. The Crow is their War deity, and this is just the beginning... I have Crows that hang around my yard - they cluck and clickw hen they hang over my yard... I love that they know that my place is a good place...

Watching this documentary is incredibly inspiring to my own creative work as it manifests...

Loneliness. Patience. Wisdom. Happiness.

Woke up to a lovely rain, it feels more like early Spring than Fall to me. Watching the dogs nap and listening to Maxine, the duck, quack as she wanders the garden. All is peaceful...

Last night I went to a friend's place and met his kangaroo, she is a rescue who has ended up living there. The doc is a long-time zoo vet, so this is not an unusual animal for him to have at home. I watched him give her a bottle, and then she came up to me to check me out, surrounded by her five dog companions. SO cute!

Animals. I could not live without them.

Life has been upside down since returning from the last European Tour - but I am picking myself up again. I feel I have so much to say but it is hard to put it into words. This is the problem of emotion, when you feel gutted and empty from circumstance and have such trouble trying to explain how it feels to those who aren't able to live inside your skin.

Poetry is how I connect and speak truths, touch hearts and rise to that very special place where words are nothing but cages - trapping the deeper meaning behind their doors - snapped shut with metal lock.

My thoughts are like animals - they need to be free and given wide open spaces to roam, to find kindred spirits that connect their voices to emotion and yet somehow still breathe, and say it's okay to do so - to rise above the soil up into the sky - to look back down from a distance without pain - that was something left somewhere below...

AH! To the Future! I cannot wait to look calmly at the Past.

Just typing this has brought a wave of peace to my soul.